Let Me Smoke on My Own Goddamn Balcony
A Measured Response to Building Management Overreach
At the request of disgruntled neighbors, apartment residents globally are being asked to refrain from smoking on their balconies.12 Yes, the personal balconies whose otherwise useless square footage we pay rent for.
What follows is my response to the collective body corporate, which is that this request makes no sense and our neighbors should, respectfully, get fucked.
“What do you expect me to do—smoke inside?”
Let's think this through together.
You know as well as I do that smoking inside is going to destroy the interior of my condo, and my landlord's not going to like that.
But breathing my smoke into the open air? That produces no financial loss. It preserves the resale value of indoor spaces while distributing my secondhand smoke across an infinite sky.
Do you think the perfect purity of your lungs is more valuable than my rental agreement?
A tar-stained wall cannot clean itself. Your lungs can. Naturally. They filter foreign substances all day long, and I doubt you’ve ever even noticed.
But no—my cigarette is the bridge too far. Why should your body have to do what it was designed to do?
“No, you go inside.”
Also, if you don’t smoke yourself, what the hell are you even doing on your balcony?
What are you—standing there? Having a little think? Taking in the view? The view of what? The building across the road? The air conditioning units? Riveting stuff.
Nah, I bet you’re barely even on your balcony.
I bet you step out there once a week to water a plant. And whatever else you’re doing could be done just as easily somewhere else—like inside, where you belong.
Seriously—I’m pretty sure balconies exist to be smoked on. When was the last time you saw someone step onto a balcony not to smoke?
And let’s face it: Smoking is cool.
You probably see me out there, all melancholy and mysterious, and want what I have. But you’re too health-conscious, so you complain instead.
You should just admit you’re jealous and go inside.
“No, I don’t want to smoke on the street.”
Society asks us to indulge our vices in private, and I think that’s great because I don’t want other people killing my buzz.
When I have a cigarette, I want to savor it in the privacy of my own space, away from other people. That’s why I bring cigarettes to parties—so I have an excuse to leave.
But now you’re forcing me to subject myself to the judgment of strangers when I’m trying to relax? Great. That’s nice. Next you’ll have me taking a bath in a sewer.
If I'm smoking in 2026, my life obviously isn’t perfect. But I see—you’d like me to take this private negotiation with my mortality and conduct it on the sidewalk.
To kill myself for an audience.
That’s just mean.
Besides, you’re using the air to breathe. I’m using it to disperse my exhaust. Why do you get to use the air your way, but I don’t get to use it mine?
You think you have a monopoly over the sky or something?
The wind is free, asshole.
“Leave me alone.”
Look, I get it. Secondhand smoke isn't ideal. Neither is the sound of your wind chimes at 6am, but you don't see me writing letters to the body corporate.
We're all just trying to survive with our coping mechanisms intact.
I’m not asking you to take up smoking. I’m just asking you to let me enjoy the one small freedom I have left in this increasingly regulated world—the right to stand on my own tiny patio and slowly poison myself in peace.
Don’t ruin this for me.
Anyway. If you liked this, subscribe to The Aussie Mystic for more righteous indignation about things that shouldn't require righteous indignation. I'll be on my balcony if you need me.
American Lung Association (2026, February 3). Steps for effective enforcement of smokefree policies in multi-unit housing. https://www.lung.org/policy-advocacy/tobacco/smokefree-environments/multi-unit-housing/steps-for-effective-smokefree-policies
Nease. K. (2018, March 7). Ban pot smoking in condos, apartments, on balconies: OPH. CBC. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/cannabis-smoking-vaping-ottawa-public-health-1.4563930