When Your Friend's Girlfriend Hates You
Controlling Your Partner Instead of Confronting Your Own Insecurity
I’ve had the partners of male friends:
Force them to cancel plans on me;
Sabotage informal catch-ups; and
Trigger slow-burn ghostings.
The saying, “Any friend of yours is a friend of mine” apparently doesn’t apply if you’ve got ovaries and a sense of humor, and the reason why isn’t subtle.
They can’t handle the comparison.
I tend to say that “three’s a pattern,” and this has happened bang-on three times in the past few years—enough times that it’s become frustrating.
So, I wanted to pen my thoughts about it—mostly for my own clarity. But hey, maybe it’ll prompt your thinking too.
The Psychology of Competitive Insecurity
Admittedly, there was a time when I took satisfaction in being the opposite of whatever a "girl's girl" is.
My energy probably set out to provoke a smidge of jealousy, and these little moments of comparison were like data points that bolstered my own fragile self-image.
If someone else felt threatened, it meant I was winning.
But self-worth built on drama is a house of cards. And the irony is that any partnered guy-friend who dared such betrayal would instantly lose my respect.
Now that I’ve grown up a bit, I’d actually like to be friends with my male friends’ partners. They’re often part of the plan. I want them there, and I want to connect. But when I extend that hand and get it slapped away?
It’s not just frustrating. It’s sad.
Is it ever okay to control who your partner spends time with?
Unless your partner has betrayed your trust with a certain person before, the solution to your insecurity isn’t controlling their social life. That’s not boundaries; that’s fear in a trench coat pretending to be morality.
As one relationship therapist puts it:
Controlling your partner is probably not going to be a good recipe for a solid relationship... You want people to be happy. You want them to have rich and full lives. And if your relationship is based on limiting your partner’s experience in the world, that is going to eventually kill the relationship.1
Now, here’s where I’m going to get unpopular.
My feeling is that, among the younger generations, women are increasingly getting away with controlling behavior that would immediately be called out if the genders were reversed.
These days, it would be a blow to a woman's autonomy if her male partner dictated who she could spend time with, but I don't see this standard being applied equally both ways.
This may be, in part, because women can be incredibly tactical when it comes to this sort of control. Think conveniently timed mental health breakdowns—which is impressive in its calculation but disturbing in its execution.
The Mother Complex Connection
I hear the counterpoint: “But Nicole, a lot of men have avoidant attachment styles—of course their partners end up anxious.”
I'm not talking about those men.
I'm talking about loyal, devoted partners who are attentive and would sacrifice significantly to make their girlfriends happy.
My observation is that many of these men were raised by emotionally enmeshed mothers who looked to their sons for emotional validation rather than giving them space to develop independence.
I can sense these mothers when I meet them, and they give me the creeps.
Their sons became emotional surrogate husbands in a system of psychological programming, sometimes disguised as family closeness. Society doesn't discuss the effects of this subtle emotional enmeshment, but its consequences are playing out in this generation's partner choices.
These guys learned early on that love means tiptoeing around other people’s moods.
So when they meet a partner who’s subtly controlling? It feels familiar. It feels like home, and I’ve got sympathy for that.
But there’s a limit to my patience.
When a friend’s partner projects her insecurities onto me, it doesn’t just make things awkward—it blocks intimacy. And if a friendship can’t deepen, I’m forced to ask whether it’s worth continuing to invest.
How I'm Choosing to Respond
The men who recognize this pattern and work toward independence from unconscious maternal influence get to keep a seat at my energetic table. Those who let familiar dysfunction replay itself in their romantic choices?
I sincerely wish you good luck.
It's not that I don't care—it's that I have limited energy, and your choice of partner reveals what my investment is likely to yield.
Your partner has barred your access to external relationships and is systematically attempting to isolate you from sources of perspective and sanity.
That’s not love. That’s control.
It’s the kind of control that erodes not just your relationship but the community-based connections we’re all desperately missing.
Giving you my energy equates to pouring resources into a sinkhole that directly contradicts my values about the kind of world we ought to be building, especially if things keep going the way they are.
So I’m not going to stick around and keep offering my light. To do so would be giving you energy you cannot fully receive.
What Your Insecure Girlfriend Should Do Instead
In the past, when I met someone who made me feel insecure, I’d bitch and complain about them to others who would take my side.
Then, eventually, I grew up. And I learned that insecurity was a call to where…
I wasn’t giving 100%;
I wasn’t taking full responsibility for living the life I wanted to live; or
I could stand to be inspired by someone else.
Jealousy is an invitation.
It’s the dashboard light saying, "Hey babe, you’ve stopped driving your own car." But instead of pulling over and getting your shit sorted, it’s like pulling over and knifing the tires of anyone else going somewhere.
Oh—and while we’re here, let me just say it: Your partner will find other people attractive. Just like you do.
And I can say this having been on the other side of the equation; I’ve been in an open relationship, which forces you to confront jealousy on hard mode.
Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend it.
But I can confidently say that relationship solidarity is possible even in that treacherous territory. What it takes is a deep respect for what the two of you have built and a belief that the temporary high of crossing a line simply isn’t worth damaging that trust.
And if you’re still convinced the answer is to tighten the leash, I’d suggest asking yourself this incredibly confronting question instead:
Would you be so obsessed with controlling your partner’s behavior if you weren’t secretly worried about what you might do in their shoes?
If that lands with a thud in your gut, good. That’s shadow work knocking.
Open the door.
The Bottom Line
Friendship shouldn't require navigating someone else's unresolved psychological territory. When insecurity masquerades as protection, everyone loses—the controlling partner, the controlled friend, and the friendship itself.
My view? The most generous thing you can do for people locked in these dynamics is to step back and let them figure it out. Your presence won't fix their relationship problems, but your absence might force them to confront what's actually broken.
Sometimes the kindest boundary is the one that refuses to enable dysfunction, even when it's dressed up as love.
Thanks for reading The Aussie Mystic—where we unpack the wounds, roast the patterns, and light a candle for the parts of you still hiding in the dark. If this post made you wince, rage, or rethink your last relationship, consider subscribing for more.
WIRED. (2025, February 15). Psychologist answers couples therapy questions | Tech Support | WIRED [Video]. YouTube.